Imagine you are famed explorers Lewis and Clark and you just made it all the way across the Great Plains on your way to the Pacific. As you stumble through modern day Montana, you cross a narrow brook and climb a small hill – only to see the entire goddamn Rocky Mountains between you and glory. That is a tie.
The tie is the middle child, the almond joy, the socks and sandals, the college kid scootering to class of the football world. This week, the Seahawks and the Cardinals played what I subjectively think was objectively the worst game of all time. Each team’s kicker missed an under-30 yard field goal with less than five minutes in OT to not win (not even to lose).
Ties allow teams like the 6-9-1 Seahawks to make the playoffs. Ties are watching an entire movie only to have your mom tell you that you have to go to Grandma’s to change some lightbulbs with four minutes left, and then coming back to find out that your rental expired.
SCIENTIFIC FACT: England’s main sport has ties and it lost a revolutionary war.
As an athlete (alright a DII Club Rugby player), former little league legend and current hardo, I cannot imagine what I would feel like if I were to tie a game. If you win you’re happy, and if you lose you can be angry, but if you tie what to you do? Do you act ambivalent until you eventually fade into nothingness? Probably.
The tie needs to go. While we’re talking about worthless NFL rules, here are some other ways to make the No Fun League better:
- Play with cheeseheads instead of helmets
- Do a field goal kicking contest instead of overtime, that way kickers can finally earn their money instead of shanking 20-yarders and freakin’ tying all the time
- Challenge pass interference calls so the Giants don’t lose off BS calls
- Banish Jerry Jones from the continental United States and Puerto Rico
- More beer
- Change the Redskins name – c’mon that’s just offensive, Daniel Synder, you’re the worst
- Clone Troy Polamalu and have four of him on every team
- Vince Wilfork. Sumo Wrestling. Need I say more?