I know what you’re thinking. This is the typical knee-jerk response everyone always has when some cool shit happens. Life of Pablo drops? Kanye 2020! ‘Atlanta’ is a hit? Write in Gambino! But – and I say this with as much seriousness as I can possibly convey – the Cubs’ historic comeback World Series victory over the professional baseball team from Cleveland has genuinely convinced me that Theo Epstein should be the next president of our United States.
I don’t want to get too political with this. Obviously, the election is less than a week away (which makes the timing of all of this all too perfect) and your attitudes about the two major party candidates are likely deeply entrenched already. We’ve seen a select few third-party candidates come out of the woodwork in recent months, but at this juncture their candidacies are irrelevant at best and obnoxious at worst.
But let me educate you on a different option… The most interesting man in the world. The savior that this country needs – nay – deserves. The one person that can redeem the United States’ current poor standing abroad… Theo Epstein, the General Manager of the Chicago Cubs.
You still with me? It just makes too much sense. Aside from his devilish charm and outrageous taste in apparel, Epstein has proven himself to be a bona fide miracle worker on multiple occasions. First, it was in Boston where he took over as the GM (the youngest GM in the history of Major League Baseball) of a once-great franchise that, while moderately successful at the time, was burdened by the weight of an 83-year title drought littered with boneheaded blunders and crushed dreams. The Sox saw their win total rise from 82 to 93 in Epstein’s first season at the helm, then to 95 in his second and then, gloriously, in 2004 the Red Sox won 98 games and captured their first World Series title in nearly a century (and sucked the literal soul out of the city of New York in the process). Boston has won two titles since.
But, as many things surely do for ol’ Theo, Boston got boring. He needed a new challenge. And where better to find that challenge than in the one city more frustrated and tortured by their baseball team than Boston? Chicago. Epstein arrived to fanfare and great expectations in 2011, now responsible for rebuilding a team steeped in mediocrity. Chicago was a city defeated by its beloved Cubs. But now, here we sit, a little over five years later, and the Cubbies are on top of the world. And it’s all thanks to you, Theo.
Sure, none of this stuff actually has anything to do with “being presidential” or “experience” in “foreign policy” or “passing legislation”. If this election cycle has proven anything, that stuff’s all a crock of shit anyways. My overarching point is: baseball is a nuanced sport both on the field and at the negotiating table, and Epstein has time and time again proven to be at the top of his craft and as transcendent a talent as you’ll find in a front office. So let’s give him a shot in the White House. For real though, this is the guy who turned Andrew Cashner (5.25 ERA in 2016) and Kyung-Min Na (???) into Anthony freakin’ Rizzo. You’re telling me he couldn’t figure this climate change thing out?
So, please, come election day, if you find yourself looking for something to believe in, a candidate that will fight for you and bring to this nation the pure jubilation and hope that I saw running rampant in Wrigleyville last night, write in Theo Epstein for president of the United States. He needs a new challenge. And it might just be time for the ‘W’ to fly on Pennsylvania Avenue.